A few days back, a play partner and I were talking. She was relaying her fears about getting attached to people she views somewhat as “unavailable”. A Dom married, and seeing her on the side, and myself, Dom, Poly, available, but hours away. She feared calling on me when she needed someone. A fear I’m working on her realizing doesn’t need to be there.
One thing she mentioned was how she wanted to rail at our wives, how they didn’t realize what they had by having Doms in their life that could do such wonderful, devious, twisted things, and then be kind and loving and gentle. How they didn’t see it, or were too vanilla to understand it.
It’s been floating in the back of my head since she said it, and I’m coming to the realization (again) of just how much the D/s and kink is a part of me that I’d not be able to handle having it pulled out of my life again. I spent nearly a decade with out and it broke me in ways. I was then in a loving M/s long distance relationship that lasted six years before it fell apart.
I want more again. I want to have someone in my life that gets what a wonderful thing this is. I do now, as informal as it may be, but her wish to have more has me thinking of wanting more too. To have that submissive who gets what it is to be deliciously ruined, driven deep into subspace and then have the little day to day bits as well. Chasing after kids, having friends over for a BBQ, the quiet time in the morning cooking breakfast, the radio on in the background. For now, I have some of that, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering “what if…” about past, or maybe even future relationships.